By Todd Benkert
Reflecting on our past and present experience with cancer, we have been blessed to have family, friends and a church family who have been wonderfully supportive. Quite often, people want to know how they can help and encourage someone going through the experience of cancer or other medical related trials. I hope that you will find this list useful as you minister to others. Here are a few things I found to be helpful and not so helpful in our journey:
Helpful: Encouraging me to trust God through our trial
More Helpful: Sharing your experience of God’s grace in your time of need and the assurance that God will be with me as well
Not Helpful: Telling me about all the people you know who also have/had cancer
Definitely Avoid: Telling me about the people you know who died from cancer
*****
Helpful: Assuring me that our doctor/hospital is a good one
More Helpful: Sharing things you found helpful during your own experience with cancer
Not Helpful: Telling me all the problems you had with my doctor or hospital
Definitely Avoid: Giving me unsolicited medical advice about alternative doctors, hospitals, or treatments
*****
Helpful: Letting me know that you are praying for me (and telling me this more than once)
More Helpful: Taking time to pray WITH me
Not Helpful: Avoiding sharing your own prayer needs so that I can be praying for you
Definitely Avoid: When I ask you to pray, telling me about someone I don’t know whose problems are “worse” than mine
*****
Helpful: Sharing scriptures about the Lord’s goodness and putting trust in Him
More Helpful: Sharing a passage of Scripture that was particularly meaningful to you when you were facing a similar trial
Not Helpful: Quoting Romans 8:28
Definitely Avoid: Trite (unbiblical) statements like “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”
*****
Helpful: Noticing I am discouraged and giving me a hug
More Helpful: Being there with me during the times I feel alone
Not Helpful: Not being patient with me as I struggle with my feelings and emotions
Definitely Avoid: Criticizing my emotional reaction or labeling my pain and grief as a lack of faith
*****
Helpful: Offering a shoulder if I need one
More Helpful: Taking me to coffee or lunch and then letting me share my feelings out loud
Not Helpful: Telling me you know how I feel or how you would feel if you were me
Definitely Avoid: Telling me how I should feel
*****
Helpful: Asking how we are doing or how certain things went
More Helpful: Letting me know you were thinking about/praying for us during a procedure, test, meeting, or particularly hard day
Not Helpful: Pestering me for details about things I’d like to keep private for now
Definitely Avoid: Taking it personally if I don’t share all the information you want to know
*****
Helpful: Offering a specific kind of help that you can provide and you think would be helpful
More Helpful: Offering to help at a specific time or day when we will need it (like days we go to the doctor or hospital)
Not Helpful: A general “anything you need” offer
Definitely Avoid: Being upset if we don’t need your help or insisting to help with things we really don’t need
*****
Helpful: Offering to keep my children or help with transportation if needed
More Helpful: Taking my kids with your kids to do something fun
Not Helpful: Treating my children’s concerns and feelings as trivial or unimportant
Definitely Avoid: Criticizing my kids (or my parenting)
*****
Helpful: Emails, texts, guestbook entries on our online journal, or comments on my Facebook page
More Helpful: Cards, personal notes, (short) phone calls
Not Helpful: Posting links about cancer on my FB page
Definitely Avoid: Posting personal information I shared in confidence on your prayer list or social networking site without my permission
*****
Helpful: Expressions of care and concern
More Helpful: Acts of care and concern
Not Helpful: Saying something stupid
Definitely Avoid: Avoiding me altogether because you don’t know what to say (or are afraid of saying something stupid)
______
These are just a few thoughts from my personal experience. The main thing to realize is that families that are going through a trial need the love and support of fellow believers. God can use you to encourage, strengthen, assist, and minister to those who are battling cancer. I pray that God will use you as you reach out to others during their time of need.
For you who have been through the cancer journey, what would you add to my list?
Todd Benkert serves as pastor of Harvest Baptist Fellowship in Merrillville, Indiana where he lives with his wife and five children. He holds a BM from Belmont University and an MDiv and PhD in Christian Missions from the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. He is actively involved in the orphan care movement and is an adoptive and foster parent. He also works toward racial unity and multi-ethnic ministry in Northwest Indiana. He is an advocate for North American church planting and for local church participation in global missions. Todd also blogs at behiswitnesses.com and can be followed on twitter at @toddbenkert
Read more helpful articles at behiswitnesses.org — Follow Todd on twitter @toddbenkert
